Showing posts with label winging it. Show all posts
Showing posts with label winging it. Show all posts

Tuesday, August 4, 2020

Hey, there. What next?

Maybe we should think of this time as the Great Falling Away. All the stuff that didn't matter, just doesn't matter. And maybe, some of the stuff that we thought mattered, well, just doesn't matter either.

In other words, what aren't you doing or have anymore and do you miss it? Did it add to your life in the first place? Like running around trying to do too much. Or taking care of things for other people or doing stuff so other people thought better of you. Maybe this is just me. Some of those old "must dos" have come to a screeching halt. 

I go out less. I buy fewer things. I ask less of myself, give myself a gentler critique. I don't miss much. I miss people, but not any expectations of how we're supposed to be. I have thought about what could be the answer for our predicament: Love everyone without condition. Could this help? Tall order. I try not to hate, but loving everyone? 

If you have lost your job, or your health, or a loved one, how does loving everyone without condition help? It may not. But maybe someone who cares will be more likely to help.

If you are hurting right now, I care 💙. I hope the cause goes away and the stuff you are enduring is not lasting. If it is, let's dispense with the trite sayings: Things will get better. You'll overcome. What doesn't kill you will make you stronger. All trite and pointless. Pain sometimes sticks around. It is a measure of being human.

Sunday, March 22, 2020

Surviving Coronavirus AKA Chasing My Tail

It's only been a week. We're a week into an usual shift to pull inward. Keep to ourselves. Flatten the curve. Be socially responsible by not being social. Well, I've had a bit of my own "come to Jesus" moments in that last 7-10 days, and they haven't been pretty.

Things about this pandemic that have been a challenge:
Staying off the news feeds. They could be the death of my psyche. With so much information available on an hourly basis (if you toggle, like I'm doing, between the NYT, NPR, and the Johns Hopkins virus tracker map), I'm chasing my tail. I never get enough (peace?) or the thing I'm truly looking for, which is: When will this be over? And, Can I guarantee no one I love will get sick or die? Answers to both are impossible.

Going outside. Logically, I know it's okay to go outside. It's fine. Fresh air is good, but for some reason, it's not as comforting as it should be. Not that I reasonably think anything bad could happen to me out in the open air. It just feels different. Solution? Go outside more.

Being creative to combat the stress. Artistic types are finding creative ways to do their art. So, what's up when you can't muster the enthusiasm to do your art? This is the first words I've written since the national emergency. I thought of a poem the other day but lost it in the dread to go into a grocery store. For the record, I have not stocked up on toilet paper.

Caring what others are doing to stay safe. This one is a biggy, because the directives of the White House, my city, and state, aren't universally being followed. Everyone has a different opinion about their freedom of movement. I can't control the behavior of anyone despite my decision to follow the recommendations. In fact, I can't control anything about these circumstances except my own response. I suppose I could put up a sign in my yard that says: Hey, follow the rules! But that wouldn't do any good either. My heart goes out to essential workers and people who can't afford to miss work. You need support, too.
My writing pal.

Upsides? There are a few:
Old friends are in touch. It has been nice to reconnect with many people this week. Hey, even though we're mostly on social media doesn't mean we're anymore likely to stay in touch. We see snippets of each others' lives from our posts but not the meaty stuff. This week, I'm having conversations that are more meaningful.

I appreciate my home more. So Much More! Frankly, because of my day job, I'm just not home that much. Yes, on weekends (in-between errands). But now I'm more thankful to have a nice place to live and a yard to walk around. I have a fridge and a washer/dryer and a garage that needs cleaning out. Rather than a burden, my overstuffed garage might actually get a makeover.

My pets love the company. My three cats have discovered ear-scratches are available anytime. Spoiled kitties.

My kid made cookies. For the first time in forever. Thank you, Ronnie. You're good to be cooped up with.

Let me know how you are doing.

Monday, December 31, 2018

The Year of Living Large

This isn't a New Year's resolution post.

One summer, on a trip to Chicago with my small children, I optimistically wore a hot pink graphic tee that read in silver glitter letters: The Joy is in the Journey.

What a mistake. The flight was a complete disaster, my kids misbehaved in ways I've conveniently forgotten, and it ended in me all but containing a seething yell across the airplane aisle: "Just you wait until we get off the plane!" My naughty children smirked, snickered even.

So, I don't set myself up for such epic failure. I don't emblazon inspirational sayings across my chest because life just isn't a party cruise. It smacks you down. Oddly, Ariana Grande's breathin is playing in the background right now.

But, I'm optimistic about 2019. Maybe because I feel good. Good, as in, life is an open book to me right now. I'm feeling energized and happy. Like I could accomplish just about anything I want to this year. Can one be happy? A counselor once told me that true happiness is impossible. Contentment was more like it. But, no, I'm happy.

Even though there are so many reasons not to be:

  • the glaciers are melting at incredible rates
  • plastic and micro-plastic are clogging our beaches and ocean
  • my word count is still pretty sucky
  • financial security is a myth
  • hell, security of any sort is elusive and easily lost
  • my dance card is empty (again. i'm open to dates, if you're available.)

But but but but. My unfinished books, they're calling. My travel plans, forming. My dreams (mostly about motorcycles) still keep me up at night. Let's see what 2019 will bring. C'mon, 2019, let's get sweaty.


Sunday, September 16, 2018

Askance at a Celebration

Only a writer would make writing prompts a fun birthday activity. But they were for me last month when I decided to write brief essays leading up to my day. Funny, though, a few friends on Facebook, most of whom know me, gave me some surprising feedback. I didn't necessarily feel like these were a downer when I wrote them, but several readers took them that way. Wasn't my intention. These are reflections on good stuff with reality woven in. Five in total.

#1, The Bike of Second Chances
Woman walks into a bike shop. Tiny place. Two rooms. Shiny bikes. Fresh gear. Two men behind the counter. A mechanic and a counter guy.
Her bike is 30 years old. She’s sure it needs a tune-up. Probably worse. She almost trips rolling it in. She braces for the up-sell.
My antique.
“Look at that,” the mechanic tells the counter guy, maybe even elbows him. ”You got one just like it.”

“A Cannondale?” she says, not sure to which guy. “It’s kinda old.”

“Jesus, and roller-cam breaks.”

Should she blush? Are they admiring it? Or amazed it’s still in one piece?

“I wanna start riding it more,” she says. “I just need to make sure it’s ready.”

The counter guy wheels it behind a glass case full of sparkling objects that would probably make her ride faster, go farther, look far more hip than she does on her one and only mountain bike. Her first real boyfriend helped her buy it before she knew what mountain biking was, before she had a mortgage and teenagers to raise by herself. Parenting pushed the bike to the recesses of the garage, and then life pushed everything else into the recesses. She wanted to come out of the recesses.

The mechanic lifts it up on the bike bench right away. She sucks a little air, like she’s watching her cat at the vet poised for an examination.

Thinking it might be better to look away, she wanders into the store, hoping the mechanic will be gentle when he delivers the bad news. Oh, he’d say, your axle is shot. Geez, he’d point out, these gears are stripped. No way, he’d admonish, should you ride this old thing on the street.

“Hey,” he calls back, within maybe three, five minutes tops. She hustles over, stiffens her neck. “Nothing really wrong with it,” he says. “I’d say, ride it ‘til the wheels fall off.”

A year later, the bike’s on the street, and she’s on the bike, rolling out every wrinkle.

#2, The Mysteries of Family Ephemera
Pearly whites.
Mom's always had a killer smile. Must of smitten Dad pretty good, so much so he worked hard to beat out his best friend, Freeman, who was dating Mom first. Dad took lots of pictures and slides back when he wore sideburns and horn-rimmed glasses. I've got a picture or two of him, packed away, looking all James Dean. Not sure who took the pictures of him. He took this picture of Mom, I think when they were still dating. She just turned around someplace outside on a Missouri afternoon, where they were together one day, and he caught her full-on happy. The precursor of a selfie. She still smiles like that, on occasion.
The Elmores.
My other family photo shows Dad's side of the family. On the front row, seated far left, is Pearl. She was still alive when I was a kid visiting Lebanon, Mo. Aunt Pearl was how I knew her, but my memories were just from an 8-yr-old point of view, and everyone then seemed dignified. Right above Pearl, my Dad has told me, stands Mabel. The story goes that Mabel was a bit of a playgirl and fancied herself a few boyfriends. She never married. I'm feeling (channeling?) ya, Mabel. But I'm getting a late start.
If you look hard enough, you can see my reflection in the glass of the group picture. Wonder if someone will be writing about me to hundreds of acquaintances in a few decades?

#3, Life on a Train
Somewhere in Colorado.
Life on a Train
...slows waaaay down
...shreds your cell service
...causes you to revive that spectacular-crazy idea you've put on hold for too long.
Outside the Train
...the landscape is grass, snow, mountains, the horizon
...scenery you never thought existed
...and an ongoing rumble
Life on a Train
...goes on hiatus for a while
...places you at the mercy of the American railway system, and despite its potential, A-types will mutiny, screaming for a rental ride rather than a cheap bottle of wine in the bar car
...opt for the bar car.
The Train Stops
...whenever it feels like it, or so it will seem
...in the middle of nowhere at anytime of day, where you'll see the signs of someone with a good sense of humor who also had time on his hands

...and during the night, it goes so dark, you can only see your reflection in the train window, and you'll feel yourself looking inward, wondering why it took so long to get there.
#4, The Hat
Sometimes, an object carries a story. This hat, for instance, tells a story of wanting to be cool and its consequences. See, those young things on those spring break shows in their scant bikinis, well, all the cool ones wore hats like this. Imagine feeling that damn good about yourself by wearing a hat.
A friend of mine had to move her family out of her house, and that's where I saw this one. Cool was within reach. I helped the last day of the move, at the 11th hour. I actually felt like a bad friend for showing up late to the "party." But the timing proved fortuitous, for other reasons than the hat.
The nitty gritty of all the million decisions made during a move had come to a head. No more processing could be done--what to keep, what to throw out. It all seemed a little senseless after weeks of decluttering and downsizing and packing. The house, still full of unpacked possessions, was down to the arcane items that come into our lives. A Ouija board, mismatched cups and saucers, old cookbooks, overloved stuffed animals. After days of last-minute sorting, nothing else seemed worth taking. I felt more like a counselor than a friend pitching in. I'd been there before, painfully rerouting my direction.
You see, her move wasn't by choice. Gentrification and the soaring prices of Asheville real estate uprooted her and her small close-knit family. If you live in a home for a decade and a half and are unapologetically asked to uproot, all the stuff seems suddenly more precious and a weight around your neck.
I bought the hat and few other items--and then felt like I had trespassed on my friends' misery. To counterbalance, I decided to become the caretaker of the hat and not the owner. I've worn it, but it looks like someone else's.
I've told my friend that the hat is still hers. It reminds me not to covet and to understand my own possessions are fleeting and full of an energy not my own.
#5, Artifact of Love
He started all his designs by sketching. It could have been on a napkin from a favorite haunt, or across the back of a used envelope, or in one of his dozens of sketch books. He said he was studying the problem. And when the problem is making something beautiful—making something timeless—you better study it. Occasionally, his sketches took on whimsical elements, and for no reason, he’d draw a hot air balloon in the corner, or a strange curve would be added to a bracket or a clockface. Maybe he called on the ghost of Charles Rennie Mackintosh to pull off an uncharacteristic design. Like the Scottish architect, he understood the human appeal of surprise. How could he not experiment? Especially if he were the builder presented with his own challenge.
Love note, not pictured.
 (DSR 1961-2014)
He started the jewel box late in December. Always late, just days before Christmas morning. Before time ran out, he threw himself into chiseling and sanding and varnishing the piece, the one he determined was the most beautiful design of the season. For his wife, he took greater pains to pull off challenging inlays and mortis-and-tenon connections that would drive a master craftsman into fits of despair. His focus on creating the work gave the design life. He often marveled over the transformation from 2D to 3D, when the real magic happened.
While putting the final touches on the jewel box—a small tabletop tower for special trinkets—she accidentally walked into his studio one late night. He was sanding the finish. “Oohh,” she murmured and pulled back from the doorway and the ill-timed glimpse. The downturn in her voice told him she regretted spoiling his surprise. He shrugged and told her to stay.
He didn’t say anything profound. He still had work to do to make it perfect. He just smiled, knowing he’d place it under the tree anyway. Like a surprise. Like it should be. With a love note inside for her.


Thursday, August 2, 2018

A Theory of Life and Death and Writing

This is my theory. It is unproven. It is not dogmatic. It is not based on any religious theory. It makes semi-logical assumptions. It speculates about life and death. And, for me, about why writers write.

Zero is the moment of birth. The Positive Finite Years begin at birth. These are the years of knowing. We learn how to live. We become self-aware. We become other-aware.

Then, we die.

The Negative Infinity Years are the years of not knowing. They are the ultimate unknown. We do not know them. We are not self-aware. Nor are we aware of anything. Death erases knowing.

But, let's go back. Here's what we know about the Positive Finite Years:

We must survive. As part of survival, we must learn skills. We must work. We must learn to interact, to be with others. There is suffering involved. There is love. We must process pain and rejection while also experiencing joy and the mystery of the unknown, aware that these years are precious and finite.

Here's what we know about the Negative Infinity:

In the Infinity, we are not required to survive. We do not need people or skills. There is no suffering. There is no love. We are not required to process pain or contemplate mystery. These years go on unendingly.

Expressed in another way:

Finite Years = Survival + Suffering + Love
Infinite Years = No survival + No Suffering + No Love

Which is nirvana?

Fear plays a factor. We FEAR in the Finite Years. We fear everything:

  • lack of resources
  • bodily harm
  • betrayal
  • rejection
  • success
  • failure
  • the unknown

But, there is no fear in the Infinite Years.

How do we take fear out of the Finite Years?
Some use dogma and creeds, hence religion.
Some use reason, hence intellect.
Some use science, hence research.

Our blindspot is always fear.
Fear, I believe, can be defeated by wonder.

What if ... ?
Wonder is our asking, what if?

What if ... we lived forever?
What if ... no one ever starved?
What if ... racism didn't exist?
What if ... I could play the piano?
What if ... we could travel in space?
What if ... my neighbor and I got along?
What if ... there is life on another planet?
What if ... the Infinite Negative doesn't exist?

What ifs take away some of the unknowing and fear and replace it with wonder. I know I must use my mind now. I must maximize the what ifs. And I do this, partly, by writing. I write by asking what ifs. Not large, existential questions, like in this post, but smaller questions. What if one person loved another in this story? What if it didn't work out? And, then again, what if it did?

Saturday, July 8, 2017

The Literary Circus in Asheville, North Carolina

Look at those beauties! Writers, all of us. We've become a "thing." An Asheville creative collective of women who write and perform. Of all the ways I could expend energy, this has become one of the most fun and uplifting because we're redefining what it means to be successful writers in a commercial, hypercritical literary culture.

Not that we don't care about quality. We do. We're each interested in improving our work. For Randi Janelle (far left, purple hair) that means cultivating a creative life and mind, channelling, being happy, teaching yoga, and performing. For Alli Marshall (second from left, striped scarf, closed eyes), this means writing every day at dawn because she loves it, working with other artists to make new art, leading a local writing group, and memorizing poems...because, well, shouldn't you? For Nina Hart (middle, abracadabra hand), her work has evolved into a full-time career as a writing and creativity coach. Watch out for Nina--she can spot negative self-speak before the paint is dry on your faux mea culpa, and she may give you a sock monkey to stay positive.

Photo by Adam MacMillan
As for the last gal on the far right (in turquoise and impossible scarf), she's still figuring it out. She's more about flying by the seat of her pants, playing it fast and loose, scribbling a poem, pecking away at a novel, writing a public letter that uses the word pu**y (the cat, silly!) about 25 times (yes, I read it at the Fringe Festival. No video!). She loves playing with words, publishing a few other than her own, and maybe someday, a few of her thoughts strung together will see the light in an eager audience's eyes.

We came together to take the downer out of being unknowns. With financial rewards and wide recognition seemingly out of reach, we decided to make our goals less about admiration/acclaim and more about pushing the boundaries, airing our creative voices, and enjoying the writing more. A year into this experiment, it's going well. We've had four successful events (with public participation), and we're planning to publish a zine later this year. The fun may just be starting. Hula-hooping encouraged. Bring your sock monkeys.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

One Person's Crazy is Another Person's Courage

"To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become; that is courage." ~ Charles Dubois

"Crazy is as crazy does." ~ Forrest Gump

LittleBigBurgerPDX
A year ago this week, I chose to leave my life in Portland, Ore. After three difficult years, my decision had the tone of reactionary. I tried not to view it as rash. It felt necessary for survival. I wanted out of Hell. I don't use this word lightly and do not direct it at the city of Portland itself. Portland is world class. Progressive, eclectic, sexy, infused with food and fanatics. I fit into Portland, personality-wise. We just had poor timing.

I anguished over whether to leave. The allure of the place had definitely hooked into my ego. Portland caters to writers. If you're a writer, go there. If you're already a writer in Portland, stay there. It carries great potential along with cachet. Even if you're a bad writer, the line "Portland writer" on your resume puts you in a different section of the train car -- one reserved for notables.

The writing scene there is vibrant, supportive, irritatingly creative. I had stars in my eyes, literally. Cheryl Strayed, Chuck Palahniuk. Powell's City of Books paraded all the literary roadshows through its cavernous rooms. No name in publishing would pass up a chance to read at the distinguished standard-bearer for independent book stores.

Powell's was a scene unto itself. A tourist destination, of course. But an overdose of nook-and-crammed; book lovers left drunk on lit. I suffered Powell's Paralysis. I'd browse and end up empty-handed because of the overwhelming choices. When everything is at your fingertips, the best choice is elusive. (Blame it on being a Virgo.)

I left it all behind. I left a good job. And two writers' groups and professional support networks and my growing group of writer friends and parenting cohorts. Phhtt. Gone.

I fled because my husband died.

I fled because I thought it would make me feel better.

I fled because my extended family lived 2000 miles on the other side of the country.

I fled because when life gets too hard, you cut your losses and hope a change of address will bring you peace.

I fled because I felt insane.

An ironic, but important, aside: The comment I heard frequently about my decision to relocate, solo-new-widow-mom, across the country was -- you are so courageous. 

For a month on the road, I felt pretty good. Maybe a tad heroic. It's easy to feel good when you don't have a house to keep up, an electric bill to pay, a clock ticking in the night beside your bed, calling you to wake up and make some money.

Friends commented before, during and after my escape about my incredible journey. Someone, she knows who, called me Oh Wandering One. It was sarcastic, meant to goad me back to the ticking clock.

My clock ticks now. As I write this. Maybe a digital would be better.  A year later, my plan to leave the strain behind has disappointed me some. Would it surprise you that there are days I pine for Portland? Of course not, you say. It could be a longing for the normalcy of my old neurosis. The bad that I knew. Not the bad that is new.

Did I make a courageous choice to leave? That's debatable. I wear my stiff upper lip headlong into single parenthood, into discovering myself again, into holding my breath, into dating (oh, what a blogpost that could be -- my working title is Sex, Grief, and the Young-ish Widow; or maybe, Girl, Don't Date w/o Meds).

All is not bad. I arrive at a place with possibilities. More specifically, this is a time full of potential and not a physical place in the road. Change often evolves when great adversity strikes. I have been struck and struck again. It isn't time for another change of scenery, but a change of psyche.

Friday, December 19, 2014

I Shall Live An Urgent Living

In the middle of the busiest street in downtown Asheville, North Carolina, a long and tall blackboard is erected for visitors and locals, anyone, to write down their Before I Die ... wishes. A quick net search and I find that there are other walls of its kind around the world.

This makes me sad.

I believe it affects me this way because of the recent death of my husband. He did not want to die; I did not want him to die; I do not want to die nor think of dying. I want to live.

Maybe it's just semantics. Dying gives a body urgency. "The end is imminent, so baby, you better get to the living and in a big way." Why do we have to have doom hanging over our heads to declare that, yes, we shall take advantage of this precious time we have here and now? I want to live.
Tree_in_Portland
My favorite tree in Portland, Ore.

I agree dying strikes fear. Dying focuses our priorities. When someone you love dies, many realizations dawn. Life is fragile. Life is short. Life is filled with unnecessary complexities. Life is the people you love and the love you receive and give. Life begets life. Death, I believe, does not beget life. Before I Die wishes do not inspire life. I want to live.

A lifespan opens a window of infinite choices and opportunities. We are limited by ourselves, by our fears. For some less fortunate, the immorality of others limits life's potential. It is easy to write these words. It easy to comprehend them and say we will live fully and embrace the passionate ways and reject the heaviness that can accompany living. It is entirely something else to practice urgent living. I want to live.

Urgent living requires a vivid, unshakable faith that everything shall be okay. There is phrase in one religious practice: All will be well, all will be well, all manner of things will be well. Most of us do not believe or embrace this concept. Because, many times, the path is cluttered. My path is cluttered. I have bills to pay and burdensome tasks to undertake and sacred obligations of parenthood to live up to. I want to live.

So I shall. It will be an imperfect urgent living. I shall not write in chalk on public blackboards those things that death inspires me to do. I will live needful of filling myself and others with beauty and potential, anything that inspires my motion-filled body to love in the doing. I shall live.


Monday, November 17, 2014

Writers Are Closet Narcissists

Give already. Write and you suffer your ego. Write and you long for attention. Write and you long to be on the New York Times bestsellers list. You ego-driven bastard, you.

The Mayo Clinic defines narcissism as a defined disorder: Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Shall I raise my hand for all of us in the crowd? 

I've got to make a little room to accommodate my self-absorbed self (is that possible, two selves?). Without it, I am a lump of clay who wouldn't write a damn word. Because the flipside of the writerhood coin is the inferiority complex. Who is good enough here? Who, I demand to know? None of us. 

And all of us. 
Ego balm


Words are simple tools to deliver good, evil, and truth. Any person on the street can express an opinion or tell a story. It's a short trip to actually writing those verbalized ideas or thoughts down. Writers do -- in story form. We tell the tale, and by God, try to do it while entertaining the rest of you who never'll lift a pen.

Pens? Who uses those?

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Black Book Intermission

Random Lines from My Black Book

I always have more to say than I should say.

First drafts are butt ugly.

Come to the table a whole package.

Take notes on EVERYTHING.

Writers write. Talkers talk.

Just keep asking the question.

Exist in the field of uncertainty.

The girl who looked like the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo smelled of smoke.

Make rational decisions.

Read out loud for best possible effect.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Not a Foothold

Blogging is not a foothold on my life. Neither is tweeting or commenting or emailing or poking or friending. This is a place to experiment and spread a few words around. Take it or leave it. This is a free radical writing exercise. Maybe it'll cause cancer. Maybe prevent it.

Nonetheless, I'm not blogging to make YOU happy. Really, I'm not writing this blog to make ME happy. I place some confidence in the philosophy, I think, therefore I am, which was Descartes' view that because we think, that's proof enough we exist. But writing doesn't make it so, does it? Does the act of writing prove the action of thought and therefore make our existence real?

Footholds are the values I try to live by. The ideas and people I adhere to and trust. Not an exercise in self-awareness. Not this sentence and the period that stops it.