After such a multi-syllabic headline, of course you're burning to know what's top on my mind as we enter 2012. My intention was to avoid the list. The tube (the namesake, not the You version) mucked up my brain. Here goes:
Top 10 Useless Things I Learned From Cable TV Over Christmas
10. Shaq retired in 2011. He's got a dry sense of humor and an ego that doesn't get in the way of a ride on a pink plastic toddler's car for gags.
9. People are still trying to jump motorcycles (and snowmobiles) Evel Knievel-style. I think they drank too much Red Bull.
8. Most newscasters on local TV news stations are 20 years younger than me. Yikes.
7. Move over American Chopper. Hello, Sons of Guns.
6. A program called Live Sex is available on pay per view. In the Midwest. The rural Midwest. I'm talking at Grandma's. (Here's the address to write your congressman ... oh, who's kidding who?)
5. The New York Times was right. Lady Gaga can't dance.
4. The more reality TV shows are on the air, the less--I want to write believable, but they were never believable--they are.
3. Dick Clark is alive and almost looks younger than me. But he's not on local TV news.
2. David Letterman is married, has a child and continues to do the Top 10 every night on his show.
1. Cable TV still isn't worth watching.